His Name was Depression

When I looked in the mirror
All I saw was a dying flower,
Wiltering away to nothing,
Drenched under a thundering rain cloud,
Beneath a dark night sky with no stars.
No ray of hope’s light to shine.
See, my friend came to visit me
a long time ago…
I’m not quite sure when,
But when he came,
He stole my glow.
He tried to corrupt my mind,
So much so,
That in order to get my happiness back,
I had to sell my soul.
My chest was sunken in.
He was draining life out of me
Like a black hole.
Self esteem?
What self esteem, t
There was none.
And self love?
What self love?
Love was nonexisting…
There wasn’t enough to fill my cup.
My heart would beat,
But it was numb,
And cold…
Antartica had nothing on this
frozen decrepit soul.
Food would do me no good
for I would eat, but I wasnt hungry,
So, I stopped eating because
food no longer interested me.
Why keep feeding a dying body?
My energy was running out
like a solar powered car
trying to drive at night,
With the next rest stop being
many miles away,
To far for eye sight.
Every time I looked in the mirror
I’d ask myself…why? Why me?
And beauty?
What beauty is there to see?
My body is aching from the inside out and my mind is crippled with fear and doubt.
There was no beauty left to see
because there was no beauty left in me.
My friend came and beat me down every day.
A vampire I liked to call him’
Sucking out any spirit left inside of me,
Any fight that would bring out my resiliency,
All my blood and oxygen,
Making it so that I could not breath.
He’d come in the a thief in the night.
He’d hold my hand when I was lonely.
It seemed like he was the only one
on my side,
But when he’d come I’d feel so bad,
I’d go to the doctors
Where they would give me pills
claiming I was sad.
They’d say…
you should go talk to someone
before you drive yourself mad.
But I wasn’t sad,
I was dying inside.
I desperately needed something that would bring me back to life.
The blood in my
veins was drying up
so substitutions I would pump
inside of me,
I used these things
dependently to help me cope.
Something was wrong with me,
Couldn’t they see?
I thought,
Maybe I was fatally sick.
I wondered if the flu I caught
got worse and was taking a toll on me?
I got the doctors to run all the tests
Yet and still they all came back clean.
They would say,
“Mam your just sad, maybe you just need therapy.
I’m not going to see a shrink!
So I would go home
And so reliant,
My friend would come to comfort me.
Into this dark cloud I would go
Where all I would do is sleep.
Sleep felt so good.
I thought…that’s it!
That’s all I need.
Sleep is refreshing,
That’s how I’ll get back to the old me.
Until sleep would consume me.
At the blink of an eye,
Every minute of the day,
Every chance I would get,
Into my bed I would creep.
Dash away not letting anyone see me withering away like stephen king’s thinner.
And when I would sleep,
I’d feel like a winner…
Excaping everything that would eat me alive.
I had to sleep
Because when I was awake
I felt like I would die.
And if I died in my sleep,
Maybe finally I’d have some peace,
The only peace I’d seem to get,
Maybe that was my compromise.
Exchange this life for the next,
Then maybe I could finally be my best.
Maybe then, my soul could finally rest;
But then I started to think…
And put myself in other’s shoes.
How would my friends and family feel?
What would they do?
If I just left this place giving in to this dude?
See my friend was good at convincing me of ugly false truth.
When he was by my side,
I’d sit up at night,
And I just cry…
Cry my eyes out asking God…why?
Like a flip of the switch
something changed.
Inside of me was feeling full,
I started to feel strange.
Inside my heart, I felt a pull.
Something said go to the mirror
And take another look…
I went to the mirror and looked again.
I saw someone so beautiful
Maybe she was my twin…
But she wasn’t my twin…
It was me!
A beautiful Queen,
she was set free!
I said thank you God
As the pain was lifted finally!
I stared at the radiant reflection
that was shining back at me!
Instead of seeing a dying flower,
I saw a flower blooming,
Coming to life before my eyes!
There WAS still beauty left in me,
To my surprise,
And as I glared in amazement,
I started to realize…
My life is to precious to just
Wither away and die.
I am an angel in human disguise.
I have more life to live,
Rather than to let my friend defeat me and win!
His name was depression
He was my sin!
BUT, I had an epiphany!
I had to break ties with depression immediately!
For I am more than a conqueror,
I am a Queen!
I am Divinely conceived and
unapologetically me!
I will live life to the full
And happiness will come effortlessly!
And when no one else will,
Even if all else fails…
I am responsible for loving me!
So goodbye depression…
And hello Queen!
©May 2016


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